Monday, January 18, 2010

New perspective on old pain

After talking to an old friend (thanks, dude) and reading a few pages of a special book, I have come to the following conclusions. They feel right for me.

As a human, my first duty is to survive. The skills needed were passed down to me from other survivors. My ability to fight, defend myself and others I care about, to assess situations and to choose who I spend time with all help.

The second duty, after survival, is to replicate. Make stronger, better, smarter offspring by mating with another person as strong, or stronger, than me.

These are facts. They can not be argued or debated. We, as humans, are hard-wired to operate this way. We may cover these instincts up with new labels, rules and expectations, but really nothing changes.

That drive to love and be loved, that isn't you. That isn't your choice. That attraction you have for someone, that isn't you. That isn't your choice. It's your wiring. You may have a lot of control over certain aspects in your life, but this isn't one.

When you aren't in a relationship and you want to be, it hurts. That isn't you. That isn't your choice. In the same way that you are thirsty when you don't have water and hungry when you don't have food, your body sends you negative signals which are meant to tell you that you are failing at securing a mate and are therefor failing to pass on your genes. We call that "heartache" or "loneliness".

When a man pursues a woman and that woman accepts, there is a deep, deep satisfaction that is present. What is happening is that this aspect of the man is satiated. The body sends positive signals to the man which tells him that he is doing this right, keep it up. We call this "being in love".

A man then invests in the woman. He spends time, money and effort to continue the relationship and to solidify it. She is his mate. Like his water, food and rest, she is an essential part of him. And his mate is the only one that can stop the need that consumes him consistently. She is invaluable.

There are predators, though, who want a mate as well. This isn't their choice. It's the way things are. When they come prowling around your investment, you NEED to defend it. Your chance at pro-creating is in jeopardy and your body knows this. It sends you signals to be upset, violent and defensive. These signals are here because the men that survived before us had them and used them. They work. Using their strength, they were able to ward off predators and protect their investment in the same way that an animal protects its food from other animals.

When the woman leaves for another predator, there is a massive issue. You can no longer defend the woman because she doesn't want to be defended. She wants to be free of you. Someone else got her attention. You failed at keeping her as yours. Even though there are many other factors besides this that can cause a break up, your body doesn't care; it's interpreted the same today as it was thousands of years ago. Your body sees this and sends massive waves of pain to tell you that you should NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. EVER!! YOU ARE FAILING AT PASSING ON YOUR GENES BECAUSE YOU FAILED TO SECURE YOUR INVESTMENT FROM PREDATORS!! That is emotion. Its signals are DESIGNED to be miserable. They are designed to teach you a lesson. This heartache doesn't go away until you feed the need for a mate. In a lot of instances, this is why so much pain disappears when a new mate is introduced into your life.

Understand the simplicity of your pain. There is an issue: and there is a symptom, or signal, that is activated to alert you. You need water: thirst. You need food: hunger. You need rest: fatigue. You need a mate: heartache.

What about the people in the past that have violated this process? Be angry. Be upset. These are the factors that kept the species growing. The need to make an example out of them isn't just some blind rage, it's a genuine defense mechanism; it's a message that you send to everyone else who might try the same thing.

What about the need for monogamy? Because you have been designed to protect your investment, a rule has been set: do not let anyone else touch your woman. This spills over into the idea of monogamy. Monogamy feels right because it is in harmony with the basic, fundamental rule of protecting your investment. For me, any other logic fails to have an effect on this decision. The wiring is there.

We live in a time where we are constantly walking the balance between caveman consciousness and cosmic consciousness. In this way, we no longer look at just the human needs, but the spiritual ideas such as the ability to grow from experiences, that we are here to learn something, that everyone is connected, that we can't let ego destroy our experience, etc...but there is a LOT to be said about the rules that are in place.

I feel as if we don't need to ditch one for the other. There can be harmony. That doesn't mean that we should strive exclusively for cosmic consciousness, though. Caveman consciousness isn't replaced. Because it's wired into us, we can't decide to just turn it off. As long as it is active, there will be a need to understand women and men and how and why our emotions are working.

Now, this is also from the mind. It is up to your higher self to accept or deny this information, but it's further proof that it isn't YOU doing it, it's your mind and body. Surviving the best way they know how.

This is the human experience. Be aware of the rules and create situations where you thrive within their boundaries. Make life happy and eventful. Do you want your ex back? For now, it seems like that would have the most value since it would not only give you a compatible mate, but it would also nullify a lot of the regret. What a great prospect! Losing her and getting her back would net you more satisfaction than just having her ever did. Though you did go through a lot of misery, so it probably will balance out.

Or do you want another woman? Someone more attractive, someone more compatible? For me, when I start getting a taste of other women that I am REALLY into, I think it will change. My mind and body will focus less on getting her back and more on netting the next big catch.

Friday, January 8, 2010

The friend zone

So I have been hearing a lot about this friend's the place you don't want to end up with a girl that you are into. It seems like such an easy trap to fall into. When you are the nice guy, the one she can come to and talk to, the one who will listen, the one who will go out with her and do stuff, it seems like you are giving her enough of you that she has no need to enter into a serious relationship with you. She gets the benefit of YOU without having to give much of anything.

Now that's not to say that you don't get anything out of being a friend of a girl you like, but what you get is much different than what you want.

It seems like this kind of relationship sends a few different signals that lead to fail. First off, you seem to be telling her that you are happy. That you are enjoying your time with her. While that's true, that isn't the end result of your efforts, it's the side effect. You want to show her how awesome you are and how well you compliment her. All she can see, though, is that you are benefiting her, she likes it and that seems to be your intention since you appear to be at peace with it.

Second, this kind of relationship sends the signal that you enjoy the role you are playing and that makes it easier for her to PUT you in that role in HER mind.

Third, it shows that you are willing to give an insane amount of yourself to her in exchange for little. This tells her that she is valuable, awesome, exceptional, special, etc. It tells her that she is so valuable, awesome, exceptional, special, etc., that she doesn't NEED to do ANYTHING in order to keep the benefits coming. On her end, she can reap all of these benefits without having to do any work.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is that a woman will get SO MUCH good stuff from a guy who is trying to get her attention and show how good he fits, while doing nothing to earn it besides being awesome, that she will have NO INCENTIVE to give back. That hurts. A lot. And before you know it, you are a friend and since she has labeled you as such, the killer line is played:

"I don't want to risk losing you as a friend"

She values the friendship. You value the potential relationship. They are different.

How do you prevent going into the friend zone. And once you are there, is there a way out?